My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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