it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
