I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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