im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just saw a hot homeless man
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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