I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
