Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
