oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Im part way to drunk.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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