I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
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he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
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I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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