Fine. I'll sleep in my office
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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