I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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