I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
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I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
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I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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