I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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