based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
