Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
