he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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