he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
