Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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