Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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