So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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