if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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