there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
