when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
