you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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