New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
