I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
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