Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
