listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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