Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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