Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
