it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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