my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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