youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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