he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
