I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
