i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
