I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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