Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
