someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I got inside last night via doggy door
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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