Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
