Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
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There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
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Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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