just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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