i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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