I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
