Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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