so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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