Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
