she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
a search helicopter?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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