Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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