I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
