My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
