so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
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No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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