Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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