The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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