dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
