Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Randomize
