Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
