you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Randomize
