We need to rekindle our bromance
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
