I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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