my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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