I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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